its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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