Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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