cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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