Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
