If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
smell my finger.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
