that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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