I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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