walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
