i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
