I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
