He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How does one acquire holy water?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Holy shit dude........stairs
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