He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize