she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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