I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
