Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
