I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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