So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
