I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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