i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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