Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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