Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize