I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
