I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
