If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
