You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
