When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
