we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
