I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize