I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
