There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize