I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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