Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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