why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
