I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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