I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
