i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
