You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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