I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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