Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
