At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
