do herpes really smell.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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