how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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