remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
