At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Found your dick twin last night
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
