I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
