omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
