Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
