im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
