Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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