conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Everclear isn't food dammit
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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