Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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