Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
