At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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