I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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