After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize