I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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