i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
