I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize